Newsie #5 : 9 February 1999

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

There is probably something about February that makes most human beings want to talk about "mush." As February 14 nears, the more I hate it.

First of all, I am currently experiencing my PMS or pre-menstrual syndrome---which makes me so darn "irrational" because of the excessive estrogen my body is producing. I seem to hate everything right now, I cry so easily (and a lot too), I'm cranky, I get easily irritated, and if I keep declaring war to most of the people I come in contact with!!! I'm just a bundle of emotions... that's all I can say. Damn it, I do not feel at ease with myself and I hate it.

Now, I feel that February 14 should be erased from the calendar and for consolation---add 29 at the end of the month. February 14 should only appear on the calendar every 4 years; Valentine's Day should be celebrated every 4 years.

Our culture, the media and the rest of the business establishments commercialized Valentine's Day and gave it an image made exclusively for lovers or boyfriend-girlfriend relationships or anyone who has a partner in life because this image sells and earns big bucks. Commercialized love is now in the form of heart-shaped chocolates or donuts, flowers whose cost is equivalent to one square meal (i.e. Holland tulips), Anito and Victoria Court full to the brim...

One question I usually hate answering not just on Valentine's Day but for the rest of the year---"MAY BOYFRIEND KA NA BA?"

1. If it's a guy and I like him, from my point, it sounds like he's also interested in me. He is probably asking that question because he wants me to be the girlfriend---"ganoon ako kakapal".
2. If I don't like the guy who's asking that, "siya ang makapal"!
3. If it's a "boy" na friend, they "should" be asking me that question if they have somebody in mind they'd like me to meet and if not, I would just assume na type na rin nila ako.
4. Pero, kung friend ko ang girlfriend noong "boy" na friend... wala lang siguro kaming mapag-usapan. In other words, single men should not be asking me this question because it gives me strange ideas.
5. If it's a woman asking that same question and she's not a friend, my thoughts go like---I am not that desperate, haven't you heard of women's lib? I can stand on my own and be happy about it.
6. And if it's a friend, "How long have we been not talking? Have we lost touch already? By the way, don't I send you e-mail everyday?"

Some people think I am a lesbian or a bisexual that's why I don't have a boyfriend. I would like to make it clear to the world---I AM A WOMAN---I am just having a hard time finding a man who can satisfy me sexually, intellectually, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually!

It is also during Valentine's Day that you start reviewing your views about the way you look at things. I am currently reading my journal or the "artist's way pages" as I normally call it (because the idea came from a book with the title, "The Artist Way"). I am on my 8th volume which starts from the 1st day of June 1998 to present day 1999... imagine the other journals I have in my home starting September 1996 displayed in my Nook gathering dust.

After finishing each volume, I read the whole thing then highlight the witty things I've said in yellow and the things I need to do in pink.

I just finished reading July 29, 1998---the way I see it, my belief about a boyfriend was probably a little bit altered from the way other people see it.

First of all, how did I define a boyfriend in my journal? He is the man I am going to marry---we've set the date and the place and all the things that go with it and we're just waiting for the wedding day. Other people call it their fianceé but it's still boyfriend to me.

Second, what's my idea of commitment? Marriage itself, that's commitment.

I know some people who say they have no concept of love, I think it's okay but sad since I don't agree with them. Anyway, it's their opinion...

I, on the other hand, don't believe in the concept of having a boyfriend---probably some would reply, "Louie, just wait for the right guy." For others, "Oh, she's probably bitter about the whole thing." Or probably, "Siya kasi, she's not exerting any effort to find one." Or it could also be, "Baka naman kainin mo iyan sinasabi mo..."

Please spare me... I've tried and I've tried to believe in the boyfriend concept but I don't feel at ease with the idea. I feel like a desperate woman everytime I try to swallow "other" people's ideas. "Probably because you haven't had one," another person might react. No, it's not just my thing.

If I don't believe I should have a boyfriend what then? I still believe there's a person for me somewhere... I believe in a soulmate.

How do I meet him? Accidental changes that completely alters both our paths so that we'll cross our way.

When do I meet him? When we're both ready.

When will that be? In the near future.

Ever heard of sychronicity? It's something that you wanted in your mind and with some strange luck or coincidence it eventually happens. In a strange way, it's a living proof that the universe provides.

So, QUIT IT WITH THE BOYFRIEND QUESTION!!!

There, I feel better.